The grape escape

I’m sorry, but I can’t hold it in any longer. I know there was a lot of research that went into the decision, and that the intent was to make life easier for the Sailors. I respect that.

But I just don’t like the Navy Working Uniform.

I have tried. I have attempted to talk myself into liking it. But it is like looking in the mirror at the twenty pounds you need to lose and trying to convince yourself that you don’t look that bad. No matter how long you look, it just doesn’t get any prettier.

It’s a tough sell.

Sure, they are more comfortable and have lots of pockets. Granted, they hide paint and grease marks that ruin most other uniforms. But no matter how long you look in the mirror, it just doesn’t get any prettier.

I heard an Army officer say they looked like blueberries. Or maybe it was grapes but the point was made.

Out here in fly-over country people are used to seeing camouflage that blends in with dirt. The Navy uniforms don’t blend, unless maybe you go whitewater rafting. The only blue paint out here is at the Air Force base an hour away.

I have never visited the Navy Uniform board, mainly because I don’t think they would let me in the door. I have been pretty brutal to them in the past. Remember when they came up with the brown framed plastic glasses?

But if they DID let me in I would tell them to lose the NWU. If it were in high school, it would never get asked to the prom. It would be voted “most likely to stay single for the rest of his life” in the yearbook. The other uniforms would snicker behind its back when it walked down the hallways.

I would tell them, “Why didn’t you just use the Marine Corps’ uniform and put a Navy patch on it?” Wouldn’t that have saved some money? Or use the Army’s and you could even walk around town in it. That would be cool.

Instead, we have the grape uniform.

Don’t get me wrong. I like the baggy uniform. I like blue.

I even like grapes.

But as far as I’m concerned the only things that should wear grapes are trees and the guy in the underwear commercial.

It doesn’t matter what I say, because I know they won’t listen to me. They’ll keep staring in the mirror and convincing themselves that it looks good. And the Army guys will whisper and giggle behind the Navy’s back.

And that makes me blue.