Mountain wha-?


This is just wrong.

I live in a town called Garden City. It is located in the middle of a rather large metropolitan area, so it should not come as a big surprise that in the normal course of events, I would not expect to be EATEN BY A MOUNTAIN LION.

Excuse me. I got a little emotional there.

I stumbled upon this article not long ago: Cougar attacks dog in Garden City
Interesting article. My initial thought was, “Interesting article. I think I’ll have another cup of coffee.” Then I read closer and realized that the attack took place FOUR BLOCKS FROM MY HOUSE.

The next day it was sighted near the river, but still close. I documented its movement, and its trajectory was unsettling.

I notified my family for advice, and this is what my brother told me, “I would move. The beast is trending toward your house. This is a classic clock-wise motion he’s using.”

Thank you for the reassurance.

You see, as young boys growing up in the shadow of the Rocky Mountains, we were indoctrinated to fear the cougar by our own personal Aunt Bee (literally). Aunt Bee was our great aunt and she would arm us with whistles in case we found ourselves in trouble, quarters in case we got lost and needed to make a phone call, and snake bite kits. Her final warning as she waved goodbye was always, “Watch out for the mountain lions.”

Today, a news release came out: “Greenbelt Mountain Lion Search Comes Up Empty.”

As a Navy veteran, I feel compelled to help. I know where the mountain lion is. Thanks partly to my experience as a Navigator, partly due to the application of advanced trend analysis theory, and partly because of Aunt Bee, all they have to do is follow the green dotted line.

And if the map doesn’t work, just listen for the whistle.


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