A weather movie starring real weathermen

Come on, man! Are you kidding me? They make a cool, action packed, full length movie about special forces…and they use real Navy SEALs as the actors?

This is just not fair. Helllloo-o-o-o…there are other guys out here in the world, and now we feel about this tall:

It’s like Tom Brady (superstar quarterback) marrying Gisele Bundchen (supermodel), or Grace Kelly (famous Hollywood actress) marrying the Prince of Monaco (Prince of Monaco). It is an over-the-top union of superlatives; the perfect combination of talent and venue.

SEALs don’t use punching bags. Chuck Norris uses punching bags. SEALs use Chuck Norris.

I haven’t seen “Act of Valor” yet, but I’ll give you 3-to-1 odds that there is a shirtless scene in there. Have you – the Navy, the directors, whomever – ever considered how uncomfortable it is for the rest of us to sit next to our wives in a theater while a buffed, shirtless, special forces guy flexes or “takes someone out” or does something macho on screen?

Not to mention the “disapproving glance” we get.

(SEALs won’t understand what I’m talking about because they have never gotten one.)

At least have some pity and make it a short shirtless take, if for no other reason than it can get really painful holding our stomachs in for an extended scene.

SEALs don’t use laser guided munitions. They just stare at the bad guys until they blow up.

The whole “come out of the water slowly” thing. The rest of us can’t do that. Well, we can DO it, but it looks more like this:

It also really messes up the comb-over.

SEALs don’t worry about rifle recoil. Rifles worry about SEAL recoil.

I was a weatherman in the Navy. We never got a cool movie. And even if we did, we wouldn’t have been invited to star in it, because we look like this:

Plus a plug like: “A weather movie starring real weathermen!” doesn’t exactly inspire people to get off the couch and stand in line at the movie theater. Not that there would BE a line, but still.

The usual, run of the mill “blow stuff up” movies don’t bother us men out here, because we know the tough guys are really just actors who studied Shakespeare in college. They aren’t actual, elite killing machines like the actors in “Act of Valor.”

SEALs don’t do push ups. They do earth downs.
(I stole that one.)

So thanks, Naval Special Warfare Command. Thanks a lot. It is going to take a long time to overcome this movie.

For the record, though, it they ever come out with “Twister II”, I’m their man.